Reader Question: Separation Anxiety

Are there any ways to gently calm my baby’s separation anxiety? I can’t even put my 11-month-old son in the crib without him screaming when I leave the room.

-Judith Sullivan, NC

Right when a baby becomes more mobile–crawling efficiently, taking his first steps–separation anxiety arises.  His new-found mobility makes him aware that he really is separate from you, that he really does need you, and that he definitely wants to know where you are. To make matters even more complicated, one-year-olds now understand object permanence. They know that objects—and people—still exist even when they’re out of sight. Your son knows that when you walk into another room, you must be somewhere. He just doesn’t know when you’ll be back, or if you’re ever coming back. It’s an awful feeling, as you can imagine. So he howls and tries to follow you.

As you point out, the real question is how to gently calm this anxiety. Time and experience help, of course. But in the meantime, you may also want to try these suggestions to help your son cope with brief, daily separations in your home:

Say a confident good-bye, or something like “I’m going into the kitchen now” rather than slipping away. (Otherwise, he’ll worry that you could disappear at any time unless he watches you.) Add cheerfully, “I’ll be right back.”

Call out to your child so that he feels like he’s in contact with you when you have to be out of sight for a moment.

Respond to his need to have you near. The more you resist, the longer his anxiety will last. Consider carrying him in a baby sling during those times when he wants to be carried but you need to have both hands free.

When your son crawls or toddles off to explore in a safe environment, stay in one place so he can easily look back to find you.

Read him stories about separation. Owl Babies by Martin Waddell and Patrick Benson is a reassuring one. When Mama Comes Home Tonight by Eileen Spinelli is another.

Play games like peek-a-boo often. It’s a way for your baby to become comfortable with having you disappear and, more importantly, reappear.

You can ask Sally your own baby questions here.

April 5, 2011. Parenting Tips, Reader Questions.